Somewhere between writing the groom's childhood story and figuring out the toast at the end, you hit a wall: his parents are divorced, maybe one or both have remarried, and you have no idea how to write a best man speech when the groom's parents are divorced without accidentally stepping on something you can't even see from where you're standing.
You're not overthinking it. This stuff is genuinely tricky. But it's also fixable, and it's fixable in a way that doesn't require you to know the whole family history or pick a side you were never asked to pick.
Why This Feels Harder Than It Should
A normal best man speech has one obvious move at the end: raise a glass, thank the parents, done. When the parents are divorced, that one move suddenly has branches. Do you thank both? In what order? Does the stepdad who raised him since he was nine get the same nod as the biological dad who flew in for the ceremony? What if his mom and dad haven't spoken in a decade and are sitting at tables on opposite sides of the room on purpose?
Here's the thing to remember before you write a single word: this isn't your drama to manage. It's the groom's family, and he's lived inside it a lot longer than you've been thinking about this speech. Your job isn't to referee it. Your job is to honor him, and honoring him sometimes means handling his family with more care than you'd handle your own.
The Rule That Fixes Almost Everything
Talk to the groom. Not the week of the wedding, in a panic, but early, when you're first gathering stories. Ask him directly: 'Who do you want mentioned in the toast, and is there anything I should avoid?' Most grooms have already thought about this, even if they haven't said it out loud. Let him do the sorting. He knows whether his stepmom would be hurt by exclusion or relieved by it. You don't, and guessing is how you end up as the guy who caused a scene at cocktail hour.
A great best man speech is externally focused. It's about him, not about you proving you know his family dynamics cold. If you're not sure, ask. Asking is not weakness. Asking is the whole job.
If He Says 'Just Keep It Simple'
Then keep it simple. You don't need to name every parent and stepparent individually to be respectful. A line like 'to the people who raised him into the man standing up here' covers a lot of ground without forcing you to rank anyone. It's warm, it's true, and it doesn't require a family tree.
What to Do About Stepparents
If a stepparent played a real role in raising the groom, treat them like family, because they are. Don't mention them only to avoid awkwardness with the biological parent. That's not tact, that's erasure, and the groom will notice. If his stepdad taught him to drive, showed up to every baseball game, walked him through his first breakup, that's a story worth telling regardless of what's biologically true. 'He's not my blood, but he's the reason I know how to throw a punch and apologize for it in the same conversation' lands a lot better than pretending the guy doesn't exist.
The flip side matters too. If a parent was absent and a stepparent filled that gap, don't force a mention of the absent parent just because tradition says you should. Tradition isn't the point here. The truth of who actually showed up is the point.
Handling the Toast at the End
This is where most best men freeze. Here's a version that works without requiring a seating chart in your head: thank 'his parents' as a category, let the groom's own words from your earlier conversation guide who that includes, and then pivot the camera onto the bride's family too, so it doesn't feel like a spotlight on one side of a fractured situation. Something like, 'To everyone who had a hand in raising him, and to the family he's building today with [Bride]: thank you.' It's inclusive without naming names you're not sure about, and it keeps the focus where it belongs, on the couple.
If the groom specifically asked you to name individuals, follow his list exactly, in the order he gave you. Don't improvise an addition in the moment because you feel bad leaving someone out. That's his call, not yours, and he made it for a reason.
What If It's Genuinely Ugly
Sometimes divorce isn't quiet. Sometimes there's real anger in the room, and everyone at the reception knows it. In that case, the safest and kindest move is to leave the family drama out of the speech entirely and focus the whole thing on the groom and his relationship with his partner. You don't have to pretend the divorce doesn't exist, you just don't have to put it on stage. A speech is a gift to the people getting married, not a vehicle for processing someone else's history, even gently. Make your mess your message applies to your own stuff, not theirs. This isn't your mess to make meaning out of.
Common questions
Should I mention a parent who isn't attending the wedding?
Only if the groom wants you to. If a parent is estranged or chose not to come, bringing them up without his blessing can turn a toast into an awkward moment for everyone. Ask him directly and follow his lead, even if it feels incomplete to you.
What if the groom's parents are divorced but still friendly?
Great, that makes this easier. You can still thank them together without overthinking it, since there's no tension to navigate. A simple joint thank you works fine, and you don't need to treat it like a minefield if it isn't one.
Is it okay to make a joke that involves the divorce?
Generally no, unless the groom specifically tells you it's fair game and even gives you the joke himself. Divorce jokes rarely land the way you hope, and the risk of hurting someone outweighs the laugh. When in doubt, leave it out.